Below are the most recent 8 friends' journal entries.

Friday, December 18th, 2009
fenixdownreborn	2:34p	Euphoria fades The downside to having a great time is after it has passed, you're forced to return to the droll, monotonous days of the routine. It only took one phone call from the workplace today (one I didn't even speak on due to being in the shower at the time) to completely collapse all the asperations I had for the day. So much for writing, or reading, or gaming, or even maybe putting in a Christmas special to watch. None of it sounds appealing and if I were to attempt any of them, I would not have the proper focus or interest or whatever and would take no pleasure out of the activities in question. I always dread this part of vacations when I take them, when the happiness has passed and it's back to being miserable. Stuck around people who I could stand to be apart from for a longer period than any vacation can grant me, and wishing for the companionship I left behind, whether it's DA, or Cerb, or Silver, or Panther and Seeker, or anyone else I've spent time with over the last few years. I have to cling to memories of good times just to keep myself together because I don't know how long it will be before I get to be happy again. Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
seraphofevil	2:11a	Life This is the depression post. Why am I alive? Is my purpose in life to find the one girl to throw all my faith and trust in, only to have her cheat and betray me? Is my purpose now to live through pain for years to come? I'm broken...I'm afraid, fearful, uncomfortable. I feel abandoned by the one who said she loved me...the one who said she loved me while she was betraying me with him... I...I don't know if I can do this...and there has been twice where I almost ended it. Panther and I were talking about hunter knives, and I took out a little folding one I had and sent her a cell phone pic of it. I remember looking at the blade...it was sharp, and it's half-serrated...thoughts of how usually it would just plunge into me surfaced... Then saturday. On my sister's request I drank with her and my cousin. When I went to go to bed fairly buzzed, I felt alone, unwanted by anybody in my life. I felt like 'this is what the end feels like. Not wanted. Not wanted physically, not wanted mentally, not wanted by a single person on this planet.' I laid in bed and seen my bottle of sleeping pills. The ones that say 'DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL.' I...I almost picked up the bottle and swallowed them all... I don't want to live...but I don't know if I want to die... I feel like i'm dragging everybody down. I've felt that everybody would be better off without me. She...she didn't want to be with me...why would anybody else? That comes to the forefront... I will never be able to cheat and betray as she did. I can't physically do that...but...but what if I jumped into the relationship with the girlfriend out of desperation, needing to not be alone? If I hurt her...if my purpose becomes to hurt somebody else...then why should I be alive... Unwanted by the one who said she loved me...unwilling to be alone...unable to betray but not confident enough to think that I will not hurt her... Half of me has been destroyed by her...am I going to end up destroying the other half...I don't know if I'm going to live through this... I don't know if I want to live anymore... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
seraphofevil	1:16a	Care and Health One thing I'm struggling with: do I want to know she cares? Do I want to know if she reads my LJ? The idea that she isn't hurts because not so much that she's moving on, but that she did this and then is running away, or something. I have no idea. Like she is going 'i did what I did and I don't care if he self-explodes or not.' Now, as far as health, I can feel it deteriorating. I can't sleep. If I take a sleeping pill, I feel disoriented enough that I can't go to work for a few hours. Max, I get is about 5 hours a night. Half the time, I don't feel like eating. And when I do at work, I just don't give a damn and eat Mcdonalds, which pretty much ruins me for the day anyways. WoW is one of the only things keeping me sane, but not health wise. I feel like I'm slowly dying because I cannot accept the fact of how somebody can do what they did to me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
fenixdownreborn	9:36p	The rest of the trip. ( Another long post ) Current Music: Distant Worlds w/ Susan Calloway - Melodies of Life (via youtube) (Comment on this)
Monday, December 14th, 2009
fenixdownreborn	11:21p	Distant Worlds 12/12/2009 ( Concert Details (so ) Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: J-E-N-O-V-A - Distant Worlds 12/12 (via youtube) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
seraphofevil	3:22a	Positives I need this...I need somebody, anybody to just comment on this, to tell me some positives that you know about me. Please don't let it be what I want to hear, please be honest...I need some honesty from the people I regard as the closest to me. I know not a lot of people check this anymore but if you could pass this on to others that know me, I would be most grateful...I know this sounds selfish, but I could use this...I can barely think of any positives except the girlfriend right now... I ask for your help when perhaps I need it the most. No formatting here, no set of questions, just...me asking for help... (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 13th, 2009
seraphofevil	4:32a	Serious Issues I read in The Hockey News the seriousness of depression and not talking about it. Depression isn't sadness. It's something else. I guess I am posting this so that, if I DO NOT tell of my experiences with depression, somebody will call me out on it. If I hide my true feelings, emotions and actions from the people whom care for me...I will only become for more scarred then I am. So if I do not post soon on this, tell me. Email me. MSN me. Text me if you have that info. Force me to tell. Because I need to let myself out. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
seraphofevil	2:33a	Sad? There is something that has always, ALWAYS struck me as odd. Not including the day she decided to throw us away, I've cried twice over her. Twice. That's it. I honestly saw myself crying into a pillow every single night until I got so exhausted I passed out. Crying and crying and crying until my body just said 'no more. That's it. I have nothing more to give. Just sleep, I'm forcing you to sleep.' But I haven't. And I don't understand it...I know I feel depressed, sad, angry at the loss because I wasn't given the choice, only betrayed. Maybe this was the way it was meant to be all along? I have no problems with that. If we were not meant to be, then alright, let us go our seperate ways. But the way we were forced to part...it was cold and heartless...and I think that's why, maybe, I haven't cried much. The pain is overriding the tears. I'm such a positive person aren't I? In that regards, AMF, Fenixlyonis, Finnicks, however you want to call him, he told me to make a list of what I wanted to be, what I thought I was. And then make a list of how I feel I am right now. I'm going to attempt that now. WANT TO BE Full of honour Strong Loyal Caring Compassionate Forgiving Understanding HOW I FEEL NOW Betrayed Weak Loyal to a fault Over caring Forgiving to a great fault Angry at times (enough to actually want to hurt somebody...) Empty Heartless (i gave somebody my heart, and they crushed it) Scared Afraid Terrified Granted, I am not all of those things all the time...but at times, I can be any one of those...I believe it was sunday night that I spent about 2 hours crying to my girl on skype over everything...I didn't want to, I don't want to talk about the hell of my ex because it makes me seem like I'm still holding on to her...and maybe I am. Maybe I am the utter fool I think I am to want to still be with her at times. She cheated, betrayed and left me, and yet I still want to be with her? What kind of idiot wants that? Me, apparently...she made her choice, and her choice didn't include me, so why do I still want her at times? It's been about 2 and a half months. And at times...i have to stop myself from actually inflicting pain on myself, because when I think of her, that's all I'm getting right now. (Comment on this)